it's ok I'm not ok
'It's ok I'm not ok. OK?'
This past week that little covid minx has been inhabiting my body. Beautiful friends have been offering help and support - how wonder-full. And they've prompted a realising...
All seem to see my predicament as 'poor Lizzie, not OK' as they wish me better soon. Indeed, my mum and a very dear friend keep checking in on my progress as if they're hanging hope of my recovery SOON because I must be 'NOT WELL'.
Well...
I love them all, love their offers to help, and don't have the energy or inclination to explain that:
May be I'm OK with being not OK
The body is doing its thing. Plans have been changed. Plenty of unpleasant sensations have come and gone. This is far from a 'Pollyanna list' but:
- little or no voice prompts more listening
- little brain prompts small easy indoor homing 'chores'; polishing, mending
- little energy prompts simply sitting appreciating pigeons and tits on the feeder, blustering winds, reappearing sun making the trees into a glorious fashion show
- inflamed everything prompts dietary review, adapting, sugar eliminating
- the pleasant thought I've probably got my immunity for the winter sorted
- being confined measures my eating more mindfully, saves on coffees during the last week of the month!
- journaling re-emerged - less strain on the eyes than screen work
- observing tiny aspects of my skin and organs more carefully and curiously
- and, finally, realising that - generally - we're conditioned to treat dis-ease as 'bad'. Disease is a bodily responding to conditions. It's not inherently bad or good of itself.
However, I am just wondering how much of that responding thought takes and turns into a 'bad message' or story which, in turn, actually hampers the body's natural homeostasis (self-regulating ability)?
I'm not resigned to, nor wallowing in having covid, but to state it accurately? I'm better than not OK with having covid Bizarrely, I'm already grateful.
p.s. Would this be the same in a more extreme situation? I can't know. I can reflect on a fairly exhaustive list and say, generally, yes. Although I can't minimise the fact that acute pain fucking sucks.
p.p.s. Thanks to https://forkingmad.blog/i-actually-started-journaling/ and https://mrmr.bearblog.dev/personalgrowthjournaling/. This post - part of today's journal entry a day after re-starting journaling (see last post) is an example of how the habit is expansive and a tiny observation may become a (possibly!) articulate sharing once explored.
#covid #journaling #gratitude #suffering